


Venting through John Homestuck

by planett



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depressed John, Depression, F/M, Human AU, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, banging ur mates, characters mentioned only, drug mention, feeling bad abt ur life, pedophillia mentioned, the characters are all minor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-01-31 18:52:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18597349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/planett/pseuds/planett
Summary: John had always felt somewhat alone.A vent of how I feel but in someone else. yes ive done the shit said in this technically





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is more of a vent for me than anything else. i dont want advice i get plenty of that thanks. i just know i like reading depressing shit sometimes so i thought someone might like to read my fucked up life egbert-ified. i also think ill add onto it as my life goes on lol. maybe one day i wont be swinging wildly between ultra happy and ultra depressed. lol anyway

John had always felt somewhat alone.

Of course he knew he had friends; numerous even! But it didn’t stop him from feeling alone. Floating from relationship to relationship, everything had always felt so… airy. It was like he was a feather in the wind; being blown god knows where, getting stuck on fences and what not occasionally but always being taken away by a sudden strong gust. He couldn’t just stay put. 

He was 18 now, having just left home. He was roommates with his best mate - Dave - and yet he still felt alone. Dave was slightly well off, working full-time, while John was stuck at his shitty casual job that was halfway across the city he lived in. It left John with a lot of time spent in their empty room at his side of their shared desk, leaving for his odd hours at his shit job as soon as Dave made it home. He felt like a deadbeat, unable or just unwilling to go to school, unable to secure a full time job, no license or meaningful relationship, no book club or gym to attend. 

Suicide had crossed his mind. Numerous times. So often, in fact, that his two friends Dave and Jade organised a mini intervention. It’s part of the reason why he lives with Dave now. 

Yet he still felt alone. They cared didn’t they? It was so obvious, Jade had overloaded for him to stop himself from jumping in front of a train the next morning. Dave had invited him into his home, let him sleep in the same bed for a while, before eventually moving in. They had expressed that they cared deeply for him - and so did others! Rose may have her head stuck in the books at Uni, but she cared too! Even Dirk, who he recently met, was said to be a person who cared about his well being.

But he still felt alone. 

When was he not alone? When he was with Roxy, who he still regards as his first love? With Terezi, even if it didn’t really work out and ruined their friendship? What about with Karkat? Did he even count, having only dated him for 3 weeks?

His longest relationship was 11 months, coming so close to a year before he had to cut it off. She was utterly upset when he messaged her, after having a long personal chat in-real-life. John still is of the belief that Roxy deserves the world, even if she was not so kind to him in his.

He and Terezi managed to last for 10 months. There was no romance however, their relationship being held together loosely by the fact that they had no experience. They didn't even gain any by the end of those 10 months! The most they did was hold hands. Terezi and him don’t even speak anymore, he destroyed a friendship. Nothing was gained, there was only loss for the two.

John was alone, a failure who was alone. Everyone keeps reminding him that he’s young - everything that he wants will arrive eventually. To John, however, that feels like an empty promise, holding no substance. He’s seen people at his shitty casual job get handed shitty cards in life and not just get everything they want eventually. He’s seen it. They’ve even offered advice.

How could his friends tell him that eventually he would get happiness? Go to a psychiatrist, pay with money you don’t have to get pills you’re not sure you need to fix your fucked up brain. Then happiness will come. Have someone tell you what’s wrong with you, then fix it. 

Be yourself, talk to people, make friends. Destroy the friendships because no one can stand you.

Try to be close, feel like a burden, push away, fall into a depression.

He was alone. It was a matter of fact, John was going to spend his life alone. 

Suicide sounded good right now. There were reasons he hadn’t succeeded however. He wasn’t stupid, he had done his research. Wikipedia taught him many things, like that train drivers get PTSD from jumpers, it’s a bit difficult to overdose on pills. Cars now generally have features so you can’t gas yourself, bridges have huge panels and rails you can’t simply climb over easy without people watching. 

It was unfortunate that he couldn’t find a way to off himself without traumatising another person or failing. Someone had to find the body, someone might even witness his death or try to wake him from it.

He just wishes he could sleep forever, all alone. 

\--

John was having the time of his life.

There was a nagging loneliness, but no one could shoot him down! He had been having great days, his lips being stretched from ear to ear, his eyes disappearing as his cheeks lifted! How could he have ever felt so bad? Life was great, life was awesome! 

He banged Rose, he banged Dave. He messaged Roxy and burnt that bridge. He felt great. 

The idea of suicide still teased him, but he always makes sure to tease back. This was his most meaningful relationship, between the knife or rope or whatever have you and himself.

The cars speed past, they zoom right by him! It’d be fun to step on the road like this, wouldn’t it? 

He told a customer to get fucked, he felt great! He ordered take away 5 times a week for dinner. On the other days, he just didn’t eat! He barely made 300 per fortnight, where was he getting the money to order delivery? From his savings of course!

John felt good. He bought expensive clothes (at discount prices) and expensive colognes. It was his time to shine, time to rack in more absolute babes! 

Apple cider never tasted so good - Dave liked it too. Sweet or dry, did it matter? Sparkling Rose Apple Cider? 2.1 standards per bottle? John wouldn’t mind that at all! Drinking on a Tuesday was normal when the next day is a public holiday so they don’t give you your hours because you’re “Too old and expensive”. For a brief moment, John considers becoming a sex worker. Would they still say the same thing?

Oh, it’d be easy. Getting paid to give people what they want. If he wasn’t so afraid of intimacy he’d do it. For now though, sex is reserved for having fun. Relationships are nothing, they never even worked out for him! Casual sex and too much alcohol? Well he’s 18, he can make mistakes! Sign him up right now! 

Dave approved - him ‘letting loose’. Gave him an Apple-Cider-Drinking-Buddy too. They were besties, as close as could be. Fucking every other night, drinking on those same nights. Even if John regretted it in the morning it didn’t matter as he’d be drinking that same night. 

There weren’t any nerves or over thinking with alcohol. Just him, his phone camera and Dirk, who he’s developed a crush on.

They were adults! He can send saucy pics. Dirk could become a bit creeped out and turned away from the sight of a picture of a horny and drunk John on his screen so much that he could stop talking to John as much as possible! It’d be really nice. 

They could do this every other night before fucking his bestie after having a drink. He wasn't destroying his life, he was living it. He’d never been so free, so happy. 

This was the time of John’s life, and he couldn’t wait to end it with a knife, rope, train, car, pills…


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont proofread any of this btw lol

John felt horrible for what he had tried, what he had done.

Drinking himself into oblivion, turning the house upside down looking for his scissors. How awful could he bed? Everyone bore witness. Everyone.

Jade, Dave. Kanaya, Vriska. They all bore witness to his… Mental lapse. 

Kanaya had been the one to call the ambulance. She was the one to give them straight answers when the police arrived, because John sure as hell wasn’t going to. All they got out of John was “I don’t know”, and “maybe, not sure”. He was still drunk.

The lady in the ambulance had gasped at his breathalyser reading. He doesn’t know what it was, and neither does Dave, who came along for the ride. 

Dave was truly, a nice friend. A great friend. He didn’t deserve all of what John had bestowed upon him in terms of mental responsibility. He didn’t deserve to worry about John. He didn’t deserve to be fearful all the time. It wasn’t right, and it would never be right.

“How long have you and your boyfriend been together?”

He hated the doctor at the hospital. His face looked like it could perfectly be smashed in. Who was he to ask that question? Didn’t he know he felt alone, that he wasn’t going to date Dave? Did they look all lovey-dovey? Because he’s pretty sure they didn’t. 

What a stupid Doctor.

Was this funny to him? You’re smiling John, letting your nerves get the better of you. You’re wearing a nervous smile. The Doctor didn’t like that.

You must find this really funny, huh? Well it’s not. It’s not funny, did you know how bad you’ve made your friends feel? They’re all worried about you John. You just tried to put knives and scissors through your throat, it isn’t funny. 

You should reconnect with your Dad, see your siblings too. 

He was a really stupid Doctor.

But John knew he was more stupid.

How could he even attempt such a thing? To go so rabid that his friend would have to forcibly hold him down until he calmed down? How could he do that? How could he be so stupid?

John hated himself now more than ever. He was sure that his friends did too, judging by the off-handed comments he received from Jade. 

He can’t feel sorry for himself, it just makes him more of a shit person. Plus, he dug the hole here. No one else forced him to ponder thoughts of just walking into the middle of the street and waiting. He didn’t even force himself to, he just did. 

Jade was preparing a party too that day when she had picked him and Dave up from the hospital at 9am He was still over the limit - point six, point six?! How! 

John could tell you how. Bottles of 2.1, 1.4, shots of vodka, wine, more drinking than eating. 

He didn’t want to feel anymore. It was unfair on everyone. None of them deserved to carry the mental load of worrying about their vaguely suicidal oh shit he’s really suicidal friend. 

John wishes he succeeded. 

Does anyone want to hear the Doctors advice? Does anyone want to see the Doctor's eyes gouged out of his head and fed back to him through his asshole? John kinda did. 

Go to your GP. You’ve tried? Go again. Go to a mental health clinic bullshit thing. Or call me. The Doctor. Who you hate. Who keeps patronising you at every term.

Sure he meant well. Sure he did, he meant well when he asked if he thought this was funny or the effect it had on other people. 

Did he think John hadn’t thought about that? The effect?

There was a reason it happened while he was blackout drunk. He couldn’t muster up the courage to do it while sober. Give the train driver PTSD, give yourself diarrhoea, give your friends PTSD…. The possibilities of hurting people were endless! He only wanted to hurt himself, why couldn’t he? 

Well, John would smugly admit, he did kind of hurt himself. Even if he couldn’t get to the knives or the scissors. 

He had a nasty, nasty bruise on his chin. He was kind of proud. It was the first bit of hurt other people could actually see. He’s shouting, it’s real! I really don’t want to be here! I’m not faking it!

Was he?

There’s a bump on the back of his head too.

Scratches on his arms.

Bruises too.

He’d successfully hurt himself for once. No fear, just pain. It was ok. Being in water burnt now, but he did deserve it. He put so many people through that and in danger. He really didn’t deserve to be happy. 

He couldn’t rest his chin on the palm of his hand. John found that one laughable - he couldn’t! Oh woe was him, he couldn’t rest properly… Oh wow, he was truly hurt, truly in danger. 

What bullshit.

Did he think it was funny?

He couldn’t even scratch his chin without it hurting. 

Did he think anything was funny?

He couldn’t scratch his chin because he hurt himself. 

Yeah, he thought that was funny. 

You know what? He didn’t feel horrible at all. He felt just right. It was ok.

He’d succeed next time.


	3. Chapter 3

God fucking dammit. Fucking again. He failed. Again. 

How many times could you fuck a suicide up? 

It was different from last time. Last time he went to a hospital, there was sympathy. He was sure to make his friends mad now.

Alone, again. Maybe he was always alone though, seemingly having friends through circumstance. 

John’s homeless. Dave kicked him out after a night of extreme heavy drinking. 

Why’s it his fault? Dave gave him the shots. He kept saying no. No, he was trying to get better. No. 

He still took the shots. He still did. 

He still got them kicked out of the club after running into Sollux. Who he had a date with the next day. Fucking damnit. 

So he went home and promptly tried to push a knife through his neck. Dave thought he was trying to stab him.

“Let me die.” 

But Dave wouldn’t let him. He’d drag him to bed as he pleaded, begged, to simply not be living anymore.

Was it such a hard request? 

Nevertheless, John slept through what was the rest of the night, getting up in time to attend his date with Sollux.

He actually felt great the next day. Thoughts that sounded all too familiar came to him asking why he would’ve even attempted that.

Sollux was cute. To him. Jade said he really wasn’t that good looking, he was okay.

The date went great. Sollux drove him to and from dinner, he had enjoyed himself! 

In fact, they had a second date.

John could already feel himself losing himself to Sollux. There was no sadness left in him.

\-- 

He’s homeless again.

Dave kicked him out late at night, leaving John to wander the streets wondering if Dave was that much of an asshole. Did he seriously think he was 100 percent in the right?

John couldn’t blame him he supposed. He did try to kill himself 2 times. 

So rightfully, Dave decided to kick the obviously mentally-ill youth onto the streets in the middle of the night. Bravo, Dave! Bravo! 

It wasn’t like John was that bad off - Eridan had offered to house him. He was still at his parents, and he’d still have to pay rent sure, but it wouldn’t be so much. Eridan was moving half-way through the year to another state to go to school. John wasn’t sure about it, but if he wanted to be better to impress Sollux, he had to be in a better environment than the one Dave was currently providing him.

He wasn’t meant to move there till 2 weeks after Dave had kicked him out. John had told him first too, Dave could’ve waited 2 weeks. But no, he needed to be out now. 

So John wandered streets heading towards the center of town. He wondered what exactly he could do.

What could he do?

He messaged numerous friends, including Eridan.

It was hours later, by the time John was in the center of town, did two of them replied. 

Both offered a place. Eridan of course, was the better option of what place to take as he could be picked up by him and that he was meant to be living there in a few weeks anyway. 

So John clambered into Eridan’s car. Eridan was fucking pissed.

“How could he even kick a mentally-ill kid onto the streets! You tried to kill yourself not so long ago!” 

John kind’ve wished he had succeeded. 

“I know. I’m not happy about it either. I still had to pay rent for this week.” John meekly stared out the window, still not really coming to terms about… Everything. 

“What a fucking asshole.”

John’s friendship group slowly dropped. Dave had talked to Jade - Jade believed him wholeheartedly. John felt alienated. 

Why couldn’t he have just succeeded?


	4. Chapter 4

John had arrived at Eridan’s completely broken and depressed. 

Only a week into his stay he felt on top of his game. Nothing could stand in his way.

Doctor’s appointment? Booked. Second date with Sollux? In swing, baby! Applying for Uni? You know it! 

There wasn’t a thing that could stand in John’s way - he was able to do anything and everything in this moment!  
Did he kiss Sollux in his car after seeing a movie? You know he did! 

Did the Doctor tell him he might have Bipolar disorder? Possibly! 

Did he put 200 into his savings? Yes! He did!

John was so ready. He talked to Jade, she agreed that it wasn’t the best possible option but did see why he did it. You saw why he did it too, understandable! Who wants some crazy overtly-sexual and suicidal idiot staying in their bedroom? Especially one that was their friend! 

Smiles came easy to John now. His future was there, it was possible to make it. He kept moving forward. 

Eridan helped move everything - everything - from his parents and Dave’s house. 

John had his desk, his bed frame, his games, his pictures…. He had all of his possessions. All of them! 

Every night came a meal he cooked himself. Rice, honey mustard chicken, butter chicken, chicken. He loved chicken.

Eridan questioned if he was amenic. Better bring that up with the Doctor next! A blood test? Surely John could do that. He was deathly afraid of needles and blood but could it be that bad? It was all for his health! 

John felt really good - he knew he was on the path to recovery. How could he possibly be depressed in this new space? No drinking, the rooms were clean, he had his own room. Eridan’s Mum even let him drive around for 3 hours - she wanted him to get his licence too! 

She was so utterly kind and so much like Eridan every way.


	5. Chapter 5

Sitting with Jade and Kanaya, John smiled. He was so utterly anxious but he was still so happy. 

They asked about Sollux. Unfortunate story.

While yes, they had hit it off, when John asked about a third date Sollux stated he couldn’t do it at the moment because of Uni. Which seriously was fine, he was welcome to make that choice. Of course it hurt a little, but John could move on. 

John told them - he was sure that Sollux became uninterested. How was he sure? It was just the way he talked to John! In what way? John wasn’t sure how to explain that.  
Jade asked for his phone. They were currently making fun of Jake. He was just really easy to make fun of, ok? 

So John assumed that Jade was sending another picture via Snapchat to Jake. He was wrong.

‘Hey Sollux, really been enjoying the time we’ve spent over these last few weeks. Would you like to go further?’

Oh John was going to kill Jade. 

He was an utter nervous wreck. Sollux was already in bed! John wouldn’t know till he was alone!

He didn’t even type like that!

Jade and Kanaya laughed. What makes you so nervous?

What makes John so nervous?

He could’ve just alienated what could have potentially been a very good new mate. He could’ve potentially scared him off while he was still coming to terms with how far he wanted to go with John. 

‘Ahh idk tbh’

What? John took that as a no. That was definitely a no. I don’t knows are never a good thing. 

Jade replied with an ‘awesome, talk to you tomorrow morning’.

She said it was good. That there was a chance he could be saying yes tomorrow! 

I wanted to bash my head into a brick wall. 

Sollux was meant to be sleeping! 

\--

It had been a few days. On his own accord, John had sent a follow up message to Sollux. He didn’t have high expectations. 

‘Sorry, I’m just not ready for a relationship rn’ 

Just as John had expected.

Well, big oof for one thing. Another thing is that he had to get over him, and real quick. 

He wanted to get out.

John could feel himself getting depressed again. He desperately didn’t want to be, he also didn’t want the trigger to be getting rejected by Sollux.

It wasn’t even a big deal! It really wasn’t.

He was still happy when seeing the Doctor, seeing the councillor. 

He felt so fucking depressed. 

He couldn’t kill himself here - there was a family living here. He had expectations placed on him.

He hadn’t seen his friends for a week now. It felt weird. 

He’d been with Eridan everyday, which was frankly, very exhausting. Eridan was a good guy, seriously, but he just got on John’s nerves a bit. He just had to be mean about everything…

John threw his vote away too. Eridan was visually not happy about that, but what could you do? He was stressed and depressed. He didn’t really have the energy to get up and vote let alone research who and what he was going to vote for. 

It was his first time too! It was way too stressful to think about in his current situation. 

He was moving from one room in the house to another - but John really couldn’t get out of bed. 

Eridan was fucking rude about it, telling him he was making up excuses.

Did he think John chose to be like this? Did he want to be so fucking depressed he couldn’t even get up to eat? John hadn’t eaten a full meal that wasn’t takeout in days.

He didn’t think Eridan was this fucking rude. It really did anger John, as irritable as he was. He didn’t want to be depressed! He wanted to have energy, to get his new room set up with his bed, his desk, his mattress, his shelf, his clothes! He wanted to be able to unpack! He didn’t want to be seen as a lazy shithead again! 

It wasn’t until 5 did Eridan’s Mum get him out of bed. John only came out due to obligation, he’d rather be in bed trying to get rid of what seemed to be a never ending headache. 

They built his bed, put the mattress in, moved his desk in, moved all his stuff in from the other room…

John was ok. He could have been better but he wasn’t holding his breath.

The Doctor hadn’t called him back. He didn’t have another appointment. He was meant to see a psychologist. To get a proper diagnosis. 

He wanted to slit his throat and bleed out. Everyone knew it was what he deserved.

He also got to see his family for the first time. They said it was silly, him trying to kill himself. It was stupid thing to do. Didn’t he know that they were here for him?

Really, they were there for him? After getting kicked out and being told to never come back, John didn’t have a lot of confidence in that statement! 

John couldn’t sleep properly anymore. Whatever. His life was stagnant anyway.


	6. Chapter 6

Weeks, maybe months had passed. John couldn’t really tell the passing of time very well, not that it mattered.

Sure, he was in a better place. Sort of. 

John still had highs and lows - experiencing, well, a sort of low at the moment. John didn’t know what to place it as.

Turns out his friends really did actually hate him - they avoided him and then cut off ties. John was left alone, like knew he deserved. He hadn’t seen those ‘friends’ in weeks now. They didn’t even talk to him. Even when he tried to talk to them. 

He had applied for University - he didn’t get in. It was most likely for the best, as he seemed to have lost all direction in his life. He didn’t really know what to do with it at this point. His life was slowly building up to nothing. 

There was only one thing going for John at the moment - he had a new group of friends. But even that had its drawbacks. 

No, they weren’t a good influence. John knew that and frankly, he didn’t care. So what? His life was worth less than garbage at this point, it didn’t matter if he smoked, drove illegally and recklessly. Life didn’t matter, especially John’s.

They all worked with him. Which in itself wasn’t a good sign - his worked fast food, he was the only one who had graduated and attempted further education out of all of them. He wished he had have dropped out of highschool in retrospect. His future that he was living probably wouldn’t have changed that much. 

All smoked. So he did too. It was a nice stress relief really - and he didn’t smoke that often. It was only 25 for a pack, they didn’t taste terrible like he was expecting. They smelt rank though, John had to admit. 

One had their license - out of the adults. The teens, two sixteen year olds, didn’t have their Learners. Naturally, they all did what they could get away with and drove illegally. John had already been pulled over to be breathalyzed once. The police don’t ask for licenses at stops like that. 

The other of the same age in the group had a relationship with one of the 16 year olds. It made John cringe, the age gap was obvious even if legal, but what was worse was that John had joined the ranks with them. He had a ‘thing’ with the other 16 year old. Oh no. He didn’t like it, but the kid made him so fucking happy. Not to mention the amount of weed he had supplied to him. 

Yeah, that too. Weed now too. At least he didn’t drink - when he could control himself. 

John was a train wreck. He was a bogan, a lowlife, a deadbeat. No where to go in life, smoking darts, smoking weed. Staying up all hours of the night, getting high, getting it on with a 16 year old. Where else was there to go in his life? 

There was a bit of solace in it all though. These friends might really stick by him. His old friends had aspirations and got high and mighty about where they lived in respect to him - poor little John was from the poorer side of town. Boo hoo.

But these friends? They were from there too. In fact, they still lived there. 

These friends weren’t the best influences, but they supported him. They calmed him, quelling his panic attacks yet pushing him to do things that made him anxious when he needed it. They weren’t condescending, they didn’t feel the need to make fun of him all the time when he messed up. They could joke about his attempts, accept that he was just a little bit weird.

It felt nice. He’d never had friends like this.

John was still incredibly depressed. He had been too anxious to see the Doctor, they had closed his file in response to him not being back there for so many weeks. 

Through all of this John could still smile. He had time to look forward to with these new friends and he really did think they were going to last. Maybe it was a bit naive, maybe he was being a bit too trusting. But he really did believe that this group had a happy ending.

Even if it involved young pedophiles, illegal substances and illegal driving.


End file.
